Christmas time

Just a few years back christmas was diffrent to me,
it was candle lit and warm, rich in colors and the friends I had from church
every christmas eve we lit candles, sang songs and reveled in the mystery of it
followed by early waking on New Years eve morning to pray for peace, share breakfast, and our hopes and dreams for the new year. In all honesty I miss it. There are some traditions that can be kept, spending time with my family on Christmas Eve, the annual trek around town to see my family the day of Christmas. Bundling so I can go to see my grandma and grandpa, headed to my dads to spent time with him on his birthday and see my step mom, and sometimes, in the past few years, go and see my best friends kids and spend some time with them. Holidays are far from the traditional meaning of a day off, always a day I do not have to work, but hardly a day I do not have a full plate of things to do. As of late however, things have just not been the same. No Christmas eve programs to attend, no 2 weeks full of Church stuff to do almost every day, as always the family things remain, but it hardly seems the same anymore. There are presents, and boxes and bows, some of the same music is there, but somehow it has lost much of its magic for me. Maybe it is because I have not had kids, so it is not their time yet, but in a lot of ways Christmas is feeling colder this year. Another Christmas, another day older, not much has changed.
Sometimes traditions have lived far beyond their original meaning and purpose, but we live them just the same. I never have celebrated Christmas as the birth of a savior, because I do not feel I need saving. But, somewhere in my mind I realise the value of the birth of hope, the birth of an idea that 2000 years later is still found missing at times. I want my Christmas eve service back, with all the trimmings and people I knew and loved. But try as I might to bring it back, it seems things have changed. I was once told by a counselor of mine that the reason that trditions were so important to me was that I knew that no matter what the years brought some things would remain the same. The Buddha once taught, Life is suffering, and the reason we suffer is attachment to the things of life. I guess the years are harder because the past has meant so much to me. I know it's not about the things of Christmas, afterall, if it were that would mean that once things are gone, it would leave no meaning to Christmas at all. I miss my traditions, and hope that maybe this year I can create some new ones.
I hope that this year brings all the joy you seek, and all the love you are after.
Namaste

Lets review, shall we?

As the cold moves in and the snow gently falls it seems the time of year to reflect on the events of the past one and perhaps set intentions for the new one.
It all began with a kissless new years eve. Not too sure if that was a sign of things to come or not, but it was what it was.
I began working out and eating right several times this year. now begining week 5 of the last cycle I may be able to continue if I stick to it and do not let the days between working out become longer and longer periods. I found a new sport, (hockey) and rediscovered a love of an old one (sword fighting). Found a new love and a chance to redeem myself as a pet owner in Sam. Reunited with a new love, took a trip to texas, and watched it turn sour on the return trip. I wrote very little though much happened. My house grew as I took in my niece, and watched her florish some as she found new things to do and came to find new things she had always wanted to do waiting at our door step. I spent saturday mornings all summer at the farmers market, met some new friends and watched others leave in the aftermath of the break up. Saw some people who I had not seen in 10 years. Came into my own as a Supervisor at work, and embraced my inner geek in a whole new way, all along finding some new friends. I found natural solutions to my depression, and when tending to it propperly have seen it back down some.
Lots of wins, a few losses, and my fair amount of fun.
I am not sure what the next year will bring, but I am setting some intentions now.
I will, continue to take care of myself physically, mentally and creatively. and who knows where things will go. I still have my hopes, and my dreams, plans yet unwritten, but sitting here thinking on it, all I can do is sit back and do what I can to enjoy the ride.

Laying here,
your hands gently intertwined with mine,
I reach up to touch your face
with the back of my hand
caressing your gentle soft skin
My heart races and I can't keep this smile off my face.
Somewhere deep in my mind I know it will not last
As much as I want to hold on tight to the thought it will
Nothing seems lasting anymore
So I kiss your lips
and run my lips over tender stomach.
hoping somewhere in the back of my mind that I can grasp something real
Something of this moment will be lasting,
something will stay with me when all of this is gone
Frozen in time, our passion brings us together.
and for this perfect moment
time is lifted.
Maybe this is the only shot we have at life,
And all we have is a handful of perfect moments
but laying here your body next to mine,
I am happy
Knowing that for a time we have each other.

Faces in a frame

I was cleaning my room today and found our picture.
Sitting in dark frame we put it in those 4 years ago.
The night air outside your door was chilled
so we kept inside to take pictures of us together
a short Saturday afternoon at the Zoo
Watching Camels and Gorillas and holding hands to keep off the cold
We picked frames for each of us to keep a place where we could remember
All the light we had brought to each others lives.
Now, these years later, laying on a bedspread you got for me
I wonder how you are doing,
and if you remember things the same way I do
I miss what we had,
maybe not for what it was but more for what it meant to me
I wonder if a song on the radio brings you back the way it does me
It may not have been perfect, but to me the time was magic
and that's all it takes, to make an imprint in my heart.
I shuffled the frame away maybe one day,
I can take out our picture and using the frame for something else.
But for now, back in the drawer it goes until I am ready
Maybe you are right, when I finally am over you I will find my soulmate
but for now you remain
a face in a frame,