Sometimes I am just not sure.

Maybe, when it all comes down to it no one is. Here is my problem, I don't feel good about myself, never have felt that great about me to be honest. So somewhere I seek the friendship, love and affection of another. Apparently that does not come unless I love myself, but part of me keeps wondering, if no one else can love me, why should I? People who are a lot smarter, who have a better wit, and sociability, oft turn me down, what makes me think that if they can't love me, I deserve to by myself. There are a lot of things going on right now, but I have seen this pattern before. A year ago, I broke up with my most recent real girl friend. Yes, I have dated in that time but nothing has felt right. To make matters worse I feel like that guy in the movie good luck chuck, who is with someone, then when its over they find the love of their life. Only in my case it seems mostly a proximity thing. I met someone years ago, we dated for 6 months, she left me to be with the man she married. Then once a chance had gone to date someone new, she dated, married and turned me completely out of her life. Last fall, I dated someone for a bit, and really did like her, but then she did not feel the same, and is now head over heels for a new guy. So they tell me to stay single for awhile, as I watch and am hurt by many of the people I would love to be with come and go with a new someone in their life. The cycle continues. Years ago, when I was hurt after a break up or severe heart ache I turned to church to help fill the void. Church, not religion to be clear. I would spend hours doing things around the church to fill the time and emptiness I felt inside. Then I decided that the ministry was not for me so a few years ago I walked away. Then I turned to social groups, Podcasts and their forums to create a social group and fill time and the void. Now much of that has fallen to the way side. Now it seems I have turned to sword to fill the time and purpose in my life. Someone asked me last night if it is my new ministry. It seems like some of the good and a fair amount of the bad has come with that. I do everything I can do for class because I hope somewhere deep that if things do finally get better maybe I will feel better about things in my life. It all comes down to expectations I think. I plan an event and hope people turn up. They say they will or even maybe will and I put my faith in it. I have always believed that truth is one of the best qualities one can have. So If I say I will do something I do, not always at the exact moment but when I say I will I do. That being core to me, when I make plans with someone I expect them to do what they say they will, or if not and things change, at least let me know so I know what is going on. However over the last little bit there have been many times when I asked someone to make plans and they said they would then ditched on me. I get it, its not about me, everyone is selfish so they do things for themselves always. But somewhere I always hope that people will keep their word as I do my best to. Maybe the world has become different than the one I thought it was. Maybe lying, cheating, doing whatever you could for yourself, became the norm when I was not looking. But I still believe in a few things. I still follow a Boy Scout code because it is right to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, and friendly. It is right to treat people with respect, even if they have not done anything to earn it. (Though disrespect is earned, unfortunately often.) A persons actions speak volumes, so I do what I believe is right more often than not. Right now however I am so frustrated with the world and those I want to share more of my life with than others because I feel I tell the truth, and in a misguided attempt at "saving me from getting hurt" I get hurt. It is almost enough to make a guy want to throw up his hands and ask, what I have done wrong? What did I do to be close to love but never hold it in my hands? What have I done to be just before someone finding love so that I can be hurt because it was not with me? I try to be the nice guy, and it seems like the schmucks get the one thing I want more than anything, someone to love them. And even then they take it for granted, only for that someone to hang on to it for years even though they are bastards to their wives, or girl friends. Honestly, I just don't know about things right now, I am frustrated and really don't know a great way out. Say I have to love myself all you want but that is hardly an easy fix.

The night of the kiss exert from novel I am working on

My mind was spinning, laying there on her bed in the dark, the soft music in the back ground and her soft quilt underneath us, I was terrified. “you know, this may be a bad situation.” I told her my pulse racing, “on one hand if I kiss you and things are bad, I may never have a chance to do it again. More than that, if I do it will kill our friendship because everything will get awkward.” She smiled in the deep darkness “Victor, I know you are trying to do the right thing. But for once you need to stop second guessing yourself.” She was right, and I knew it, but at that point a deep feeling began in my stomach. I knew that by now it was too late to turn back. Right, wrong or otherwise tonight things had changed. It did not matter that it was our first date, it did not matter that we had been friends for less than a month, tonight I had told her how I had felt since first we began to spend time together, and there was little if no turning back. So that night, laying silently in the darkness, I leaned towards her and as our lips touched, our friendship, as wonderful as it had been came to an end.