what to do

What do you do

When you have lost 

A part of you

In the heart of another?

When you put together 

All the pieces but one 

Or two are always lost?

When you go to write joy

But all that is left is sorrow?

The songs that once meant 

How greatful you felt 

For finding each other again

Are now painful reminders 

Of a parting of ways.

The colors that were vivid, 

Have lost their hue. 

There is no thing like a happy day

The best we get

Are just not as bad

Power of place

There is a morose magic of place.

Where you were when they first said hello, or goodbye

The place where you first held hands, that now has pain attached.

The street where they live, that you have no business driving down now.

The days of the week that were yours but now the calendar is bare. 

I cant go there anymore, the power of the place is too painful. 

So I'll try, to walk my path, wishing I could do so with your hand entwined in mine again.

Sometimes I am just not sure.

Maybe, when it all comes down to it no one is. Here is my problem, I don't feel good about myself, never have felt that great about me to be honest. So somewhere I seek the friendship, love and affection of another. Apparently that does not come unless I love myself, but part of me keeps wondering, if no one else can love me, why should I? People who are a lot smarter, who have a better wit, and sociability, oft turn me down, what makes me think that if they can't love me, I deserve to by myself. There are a lot of things going on right now, but I have seen this pattern before. A year ago, I broke up with my most recent real girl friend. Yes, I have dated in that time but nothing has felt right. To make matters worse I feel like that guy in the movie good luck chuck, who is with someone, then when its over they find the love of their life. Only in my case it seems mostly a proximity thing. I met someone years ago, we dated for 6 months, she left me to be with the man she married. Then once a chance had gone to date someone new, she dated, married and turned me completely out of her life. Last fall, I dated someone for a bit, and really did like her, but then she did not feel the same, and is now head over heels for a new guy. So they tell me to stay single for awhile, as I watch and am hurt by many of the people I would love to be with come and go with a new someone in their life. The cycle continues. Years ago, when I was hurt after a break up or severe heart ache I turned to church to help fill the void. Church, not religion to be clear. I would spend hours doing things around the church to fill the time and emptiness I felt inside. Then I decided that the ministry was not for me so a few years ago I walked away. Then I turned to social groups, Podcasts and their forums to create a social group and fill time and the void. Now much of that has fallen to the way side. Now it seems I have turned to sword to fill the time and purpose in my life. Someone asked me last night if it is my new ministry. It seems like some of the good and a fair amount of the bad has come with that. I do everything I can do for class because I hope somewhere deep that if things do finally get better maybe I will feel better about things in my life. It all comes down to expectations I think. I plan an event and hope people turn up. They say they will or even maybe will and I put my faith in it. I have always believed that truth is one of the best qualities one can have. So If I say I will do something I do, not always at the exact moment but when I say I will I do. That being core to me, when I make plans with someone I expect them to do what they say they will, or if not and things change, at least let me know so I know what is going on. However over the last little bit there have been many times when I asked someone to make plans and they said they would then ditched on me. I get it, its not about me, everyone is selfish so they do things for themselves always. But somewhere I always hope that people will keep their word as I do my best to. Maybe the world has become different than the one I thought it was. Maybe lying, cheating, doing whatever you could for yourself, became the norm when I was not looking. But I still believe in a few things. I still follow a Boy Scout code because it is right to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, and friendly. It is right to treat people with respect, even if they have not done anything to earn it. (Though disrespect is earned, unfortunately often.) A persons actions speak volumes, so I do what I believe is right more often than not. Right now however I am so frustrated with the world and those I want to share more of my life with than others because I feel I tell the truth, and in a misguided attempt at "saving me from getting hurt" I get hurt. It is almost enough to make a guy want to throw up his hands and ask, what I have done wrong? What did I do to be close to love but never hold it in my hands? What have I done to be just before someone finding love so that I can be hurt because it was not with me? I try to be the nice guy, and it seems like the schmucks get the one thing I want more than anything, someone to love them. And even then they take it for granted, only for that someone to hang on to it for years even though they are bastards to their wives, or girl friends. Honestly, I just don't know about things right now, I am frustrated and really don't know a great way out. Say I have to love myself all you want but that is hardly an easy fix.

The night of the kiss exert from novel I am working on

My mind was spinning, laying there on her bed in the dark, the soft music in the back ground and her soft quilt underneath us, I was terrified. “you know, this may be a bad situation.” I told her my pulse racing, “on one hand if I kiss you and things are bad, I may never have a chance to do it again. More than that, if I do it will kill our friendship because everything will get awkward.” She smiled in the deep darkness “Victor, I know you are trying to do the right thing. But for once you need to stop second guessing yourself.” She was right, and I knew it, but at that point a deep feeling began in my stomach. I knew that by now it was too late to turn back. Right, wrong or otherwise tonight things had changed. It did not matter that it was our first date, it did not matter that we had been friends for less than a month, tonight I had told her how I had felt since first we began to spend time together, and there was little if no turning back. So that night, laying silently in the darkness, I leaned towards her and as our lips touched, our friendship, as wonderful as it had been came to an end.

Christmas time

Just a few years back christmas was diffrent to me,
it was candle lit and warm, rich in colors and the friends I had from church
every christmas eve we lit candles, sang songs and reveled in the mystery of it
followed by early waking on New Years eve morning to pray for peace, share breakfast, and our hopes and dreams for the new year. In all honesty I miss it. There are some traditions that can be kept, spending time with my family on Christmas Eve, the annual trek around town to see my family the day of Christmas. Bundling so I can go to see my grandma and grandpa, headed to my dads to spent time with him on his birthday and see my step mom, and sometimes, in the past few years, go and see my best friends kids and spend some time with them. Holidays are far from the traditional meaning of a day off, always a day I do not have to work, but hardly a day I do not have a full plate of things to do. As of late however, things have just not been the same. No Christmas eve programs to attend, no 2 weeks full of Church stuff to do almost every day, as always the family things remain, but it hardly seems the same anymore. There are presents, and boxes and bows, some of the same music is there, but somehow it has lost much of its magic for me. Maybe it is because I have not had kids, so it is not their time yet, but in a lot of ways Christmas is feeling colder this year. Another Christmas, another day older, not much has changed.
Sometimes traditions have lived far beyond their original meaning and purpose, but we live them just the same. I never have celebrated Christmas as the birth of a savior, because I do not feel I need saving. But, somewhere in my mind I realise the value of the birth of hope, the birth of an idea that 2000 years later is still found missing at times. I want my Christmas eve service back, with all the trimmings and people I knew and loved. But try as I might to bring it back, it seems things have changed. I was once told by a counselor of mine that the reason that trditions were so important to me was that I knew that no matter what the years brought some things would remain the same. The Buddha once taught, Life is suffering, and the reason we suffer is attachment to the things of life. I guess the years are harder because the past has meant so much to me. I know it's not about the things of Christmas, afterall, if it were that would mean that once things are gone, it would leave no meaning to Christmas at all. I miss my traditions, and hope that maybe this year I can create some new ones.
I hope that this year brings all the joy you seek, and all the love you are after.
Namaste

Lets review, shall we?

As the cold moves in and the snow gently falls it seems the time of year to reflect on the events of the past one and perhaps set intentions for the new one.
It all began with a kissless new years eve. Not too sure if that was a sign of things to come or not, but it was what it was.
I began working out and eating right several times this year. now begining week 5 of the last cycle I may be able to continue if I stick to it and do not let the days between working out become longer and longer periods. I found a new sport, (hockey) and rediscovered a love of an old one (sword fighting). Found a new love and a chance to redeem myself as a pet owner in Sam. Reunited with a new love, took a trip to texas, and watched it turn sour on the return trip. I wrote very little though much happened. My house grew as I took in my niece, and watched her florish some as she found new things to do and came to find new things she had always wanted to do waiting at our door step. I spent saturday mornings all summer at the farmers market, met some new friends and watched others leave in the aftermath of the break up. Saw some people who I had not seen in 10 years. Came into my own as a Supervisor at work, and embraced my inner geek in a whole new way, all along finding some new friends. I found natural solutions to my depression, and when tending to it propperly have seen it back down some.
Lots of wins, a few losses, and my fair amount of fun.
I am not sure what the next year will bring, but I am setting some intentions now.
I will, continue to take care of myself physically, mentally and creatively. and who knows where things will go. I still have my hopes, and my dreams, plans yet unwritten, but sitting here thinking on it, all I can do is sit back and do what I can to enjoy the ride.

Laying here,
your hands gently intertwined with mine,
I reach up to touch your face
with the back of my hand
caressing your gentle soft skin
My heart races and I can't keep this smile off my face.
Somewhere deep in my mind I know it will not last
As much as I want to hold on tight to the thought it will
Nothing seems lasting anymore
So I kiss your lips
and run my lips over tender stomach.
hoping somewhere in the back of my mind that I can grasp something real
Something of this moment will be lasting,
something will stay with me when all of this is gone
Frozen in time, our passion brings us together.
and for this perfect moment
time is lifted.
Maybe this is the only shot we have at life,
And all we have is a handful of perfect moments
but laying here your body next to mine,
I am happy
Knowing that for a time we have each other.