Alone

Sitting in the cafeteria i remember how simple it is to be alone, even in a mass of people. How easy it is for a word or two to turn you from something resembling a decent person to something resembling a beast, savage, isolated and isolate-able. Remembering back to the days when recess was time to play and imagine by oneself. Then I remember 3 years ago, shaking and sobbing, you can love someone else but you can't love me. No one believes me when I say I have ever wanted in life was love, and all things otherwise fall secondary to that. From Infancy it seems that has been my life's desire, to love someone and be loved and cared for by them. The world however is selfish. People care for none other than themselves or their interests, and now I find I am no different. The splinter I see in the eyes of the world are in fact the pillars in my own. I want to save it but I know that in order to do that I must save myself and when I am here it is hard not to sink with the ship.
They say its because I am missing my medication, and maybe that is true. But every time I think that that is the problem something dark bubbles through the molten tar of my mind and slaps me in the face. I know the things they say. Everybody need help sometimes, but I feel down deep like I should not. How am I to help the the pain of the world when there is so much of my own? I feel like I am going crazy again. Like I need to scream and run and scratch out the eyes of the world but I can't and it seems the things I am most afraid of, being alone, seems to be what I am faced with. I watch the years slowly roll by as people get older and get all the things I desire in life. A home, Family, someone to love, and its hard not to ask, where is mine? When do I get to be happy and own the place I live, or be in a good helthy relationship that is not either a lie or a cover up?