More novel progress.

I scrolled through the names, the pictures of faces that occasionally looked familiar. Not that i knew these people, more that I knew their faces from encontering them in crowded hallways years ago. Names looked familiar but there was so much more that had changed, Some had pictures of weddings, some had pictures of children whom I could only assume were their own. It made me feel empty inside. Here I was years later and I had none of these things, no one who called me precious, or to whom i was bound by a vow or matrimony. I had no children either, no one to call me daddy and hold my little finger with the whole of their fist. I had none of these and in many ways it was for good reason. I never wanted to get married until i thought I could offer someone else my life, I could offer someone else a good credit report and a place to call home. I didn't feel it was right to have children until i had a place to raise them and a Vocation that would support me so I could support them. I didn't know where to go from here. I knew that Bella was gone but i didn't know what that meant. Lots of people I knew told me that I needed to move on, like it was something that easy and i could just wake up one morning and do it. I thinjk the real problem was that it had taken alot of courage to talk to her in the first place that early spring morning and now sitting at my desk in the cold of my apartment I wasn't sure i could pull myself together enough to do it again. Somewhere in the back of my mind kept running the line most people i had taked to had said. "you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself first." It was so cliche, and in som many ways it fealt so wrong. All i wanted right now was someone to love me so i could start to love myself, didn't they see that? Didn't they understand that sometimes in order to make peace and love yourself you have to have someone who believes in you? It all seemed backwards to me, Didn't the fact that no one loved me prove that i shouldn't have a reason to love myself? Whether they saw it or not, it was how i felt. "Why should I," I asked myself "love me when no one else will?" It had become cold again and without an answer to that i wasn't sure i wanted to spend the time looking for my own inner warmth. I wanted to love again, but the problem was that i never wanted to face this darkness again and there was no way to be sure i never would.